It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
