Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
