you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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