Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
