There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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