I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
