I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
