Do you still have your period?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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