My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
