Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
