I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
