You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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