people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
