The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
