I faked an abortion last night.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
