on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
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How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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