I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
