Please don't use social media to get back at me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
