Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
