apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize