Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
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Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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