my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
