I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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