about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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