Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
