a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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