I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
