If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i think my cat just said my name.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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