I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
