People in love make me want to vomit
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
