I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
