uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
