I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
