I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
