the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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