All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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