the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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