I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
