we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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