I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
