i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
