My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he puts the penis in happiness.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
