apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
