I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
third nipple confirmed
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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