Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
