Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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