i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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