Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
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Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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