The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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