our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
