he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
