Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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