please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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