gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
