I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
