Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Houston, we have a blender
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
