I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
