Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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