Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
