my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
